Relationships really matter. We are biologically hard-wired to form close bonds. Relationships satisfy our basic human need to be close, connected and supported. The stronger our network of relationships and social connections, the more chance we have of leading longer, healthier and more fulfilling lives. But relationships can also be stressful and challenging and everyone struggles with them at times. We are all trying to find our way towards love and acceptance but sometimes our emotions can lead to unskillful reactions.

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Attachment

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is founded on ‘attachment theory’. This explains that we’re hard-wired to form strong attachments in order to feel safe. Although our culture teaches us to value independence, a strong attachment to your partner is actually a good thing.

The Attachment Theory: How Childhood Affects Life

At the core of every conflict, each person is essentially asking, “Can I depend on you?” “Do I matter to you?” “Am I adequate for you?” “Am I important to you?” “Will you be emotionally available to me?” If the answer to any of these questions is “No,” the couple can begin to lose faith.

The Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic

EFT can stop these negative cycles of blame and withdrawal. The first step in EFT is to map out what is happening. The next is to help you identify and express your fears and needs. This leads to far greater understanding between you as a couple. You can then work together to create new ways of expressing yourselves and turn a negative cycle into a positive dance of acceptance, reassurance and support.

Some common struggles that couples face:

  • fighting about the same issue over and over again with little or no resolution

  • feelings of not being heard and understood

  • emotional distance and a loss of intimacy

  • feeling constantly criticized and nagged – like you’re never good enough

  • feeling that you don’t matter to your partner – feeling unseen, unheard and unloved

  • wondering about your or your partner’s commitment

EFT can help couples:

  • learn what is really going on underneath the repetitive arguments

  • learn how to speak a language where you can be both be heard and have both your needs met

  • enhance your emotional closeness and intimacy without the need to withdraw or reject

  • feel affirmed and validated for who you are by your partner

  • feel important, seen and heard by your partner